@TheToddWilliams

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

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@aissalanis

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

@RamblingMachine

Too many TV ads about how you can remove blood stains off clothes with detergents & none about how you can hide the body? Where’s the logic?

@suziqkelley

The past, the present & the future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

@LlamaInaTux

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

@Parkerlawyer

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

@iamspacegirl

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

@junejuly12

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

@mommajessiec

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

@Schmoodles

Toaster settings:

No.1: “I do nothing.”
No.2: “I do nothing.”
No.3: “I do nothing.”
No.4: “I SET BREAD ON FIRE!”

@mattZillaaaa

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.