I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
ME: Can I get some?
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
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Too many TV ads about how you can remove blood stains off clothes with detergents & none about how you can hide the body? Where’s the logic?
The past, the present & the future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
No.1: “I do nothing.”
No.2: “I do nothing.”
No.3: “I do nothing.”
No.4: “I SET BREAD ON FIRE!”
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.