Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

Actually cracking up @ this

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

Life plan:

1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated

I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”