Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

I cannot stop laughing at this

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.