Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

cop: what happened?

librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

coo: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶

Me: “Agree to disagree.”

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens