Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

The new American dream is an alien invasion.

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

Breaking news:

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

“That’s what” – She

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy