Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

Something Saturday.

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/Fu9OFruaIAUJVPo.mp4

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me