Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

WHY?!

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?

Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?