Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.

Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

I created you as mosquito food.

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!

ME: …

DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!

ME: …

BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!

ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.

MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”

[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human