[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
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Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter