Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
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Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.