Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

[at therapist]

I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible

Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?

I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

[guy who’s about to invent politics]

*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?