Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the surface: cool as a cucumber…

On the inside: squirrel in traffic…

Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor

HEYYYY MACARENA

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

The glockness monster

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

Follow me for more life hacks.

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

😎 🍻

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

Google assistant rules

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.