Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

being a writer on Twitter:

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

me: is this vegan friendly?

waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

*angrily detangles self from wind chime*

I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.