Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
You Might Also Like
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Just as the prophecy foretold
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
The point of your 20s