Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

Boss:my office, now!

Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter

B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint

M:Oh thank God!

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?