Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵

Where’s my employee discount too?

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.