Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
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You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.