Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
You Might Also Like
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.