Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
You Might Also Like
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
when unicorns get really drunk
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
🤣🤣🤣