Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
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My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”