Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
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I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
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[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it