Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

From my Mom

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…

Ooooooh.

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick