Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
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Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL