Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
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“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
An odd boast
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?