Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.