Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

Erm…

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

Me: You come highly recommended, LOL

Drug dealer: *stabs me*

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.