Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.