Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
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Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Favourite diary entry ever
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??