Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
You Might Also Like
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.