Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
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favorite tropes as memes
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
bags with threatening auras
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]