Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
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the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies