Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
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History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Mission: Impossible
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
For $20 I’ll go to your ex’s profile and comment “the other one was cuter” on their pics
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed