Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
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I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
I am a gravy boat captain
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes