Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
You Might Also Like
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time