Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

these can’t be my only options

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing