Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact

Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.