app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
You Might Also Like
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.