Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it