Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

Him: Where’d you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.

Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.

Me: I did too…

someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.