@JustMeTurtle

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

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@MikeCanRant

You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes.

*brought to you by Bounty*

@KissabiX

Why is an antelope a completely different animal instead of two ants who fall desperately in love and romantically run away together to make a new life for themselves?

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: What are Nazis?

Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago

5: Why were they bad?

Me: They kept correcting our grammar

@XplodingUnicorn

8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?

Me: No.

8: Can you check again?

@o__0Dev

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

@HallpassCanada

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

@JohnLyonTweets

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

@TheHatdog

*gets handed a Mario Kart controller at a party*

I don’t know guys, I’ve never done this before.

*straps on monogrammed driving gloves*