App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
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I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
The prophecy is fulfilled
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
This is my favorite one of these!