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A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.