Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.