Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

Me: Go clean your room.

10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long

Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.