Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

Never mess with a drunken pig.

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.