Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
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The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust