Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
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My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.