Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

Beware of the dog..

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*