Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
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Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
all bases covered
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”