Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
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Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is