Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
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Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Going to church you guys need anything
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
long lost
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep