Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

Judge: how do you plead?

Guy: well usually to my wife

Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment