Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

My good tweets are in my other pants.

Jurassic park gets weird

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND

Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol