Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

😂

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69

Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.

Shepherd: I got ewe babe.

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”

friend: i’m just going to date myself

me: you can do better

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.