Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
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HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games