Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
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Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Happy Taco Tuesday
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”