@EricaTheThor

Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.

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@TheBoydP

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

@caliraingirl

I love the smell of fabric softener through the outside vents when people do the laundry. I get a lot of restraining orders though.

@pilau

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

@bfrosty04

Prom night for my 17 year old daughter, or as I like to call it, ‘Dad spends the evening sharpening his axe’ night.

@NotthatAdamWest

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

@gosailthesea

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

@Shwetangles

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

@JerseyRambo

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone