@EricaTheThor

Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.

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@Dadpression

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

@inanimatecorpse

The bit in Snow White when Grumpy’s like “put her in a glass coffin so we can see her decompose”
And Doc’s like
“Man! You’re getting worse!”

@SimuLiu

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

@mommajessiec

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

@3sunzzz

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

@UnFitz

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

@OhNoSheTwitnt

🎶 You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why. Life gets worse when you’re an adult. 🎶

@KimmyMonte

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.