Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.

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Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”


The bit in Snow White when Grumpy’s like “put her in a glass coffin so we can see her decompose”
And Doc’s like
“Man! You’re getting worse!”


My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”


Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.


How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.


“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet


🎶 You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why. Life gets worse when you’re an adult. 🎶


Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.