If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
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I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust