Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
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“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?