Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
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Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!