Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
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Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me