Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
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kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job