Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
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Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
lol
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
The asteroid..
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
