Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
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Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Discuss
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Them: Good morning
Me: Where?
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.