Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
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It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
wtf management?!
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie