Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
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ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
listen closely
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.