Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
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me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country