Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
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if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it