Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

Tonight I will make history!

Turns off incognito mode

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

W

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food