Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
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Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits