Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
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Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit