“Can you explain this Gap in your work history?”
Yes that’s when I worked for the popular clothing retailer
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
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I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake