Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

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“Can you explain this Gap in your work history?”

Yes that’s when I worked for the popular clothing retailer


I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.


Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us


Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses


My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.


Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice


ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*


gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake