Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again

Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony

Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.