Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
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Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Emma is smarter than all of us.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin: